tachankas in tachanka valley
by Lightbulbz
Summary: tachankas in tachanka valley take over the world epic style
1. tachankas in tachanka valley

It was a sunny day in tachanka valley, the tachankas were shooting tachankas, and the tachankas were being tachankas as a tachanka would do if he was a tachanka but in reality the tachankas in tachanka valley were not actually tachanka but rather tachanka in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley nobody knows why

anyway the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachanks in not tachanka valley decided one day they needed a church

so then the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachanks in not tachanka valley made a church available to all tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachanks in not tachanka valley and then they took over the world with the famous religion,

tachankaism

find out what happens next on the next episode of tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachanks in not tachanka valley


	2. tachanka gets cucked

It was a rainy day in tachanka valley, all the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were in the church because in tachanka valley it rains bullets. Then a particularly promiscuous tachanka saw a wild clash in the distance being rained on. The wild clash tribe lives in clash village and did not know about the bullet rain in tachanka valley.

This tachanka decided he would save the wild clash from death by rain, and become the only tachanka in the entire valley to have ever felt the touch of a woman. The plan was foolproof! Thought tachanka.

Because you see tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley are typically technosexual and only fuck the bullet shaft of their turrets.

The problem is some tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley get sued over this by the blitz federation of turret rights. So some tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley wish to follow the path of the cis-tachanka male and feel the touch of a woman for the first time.

But then something unthinkable happened to poor tachanka! Just when tachanka thought he was about to feel the touch of a woman for the first time, it was revealed! CLASH WAS ACTUALLY A SHEMALE THE ENTIRE TIME! OH THE HORROR tachanka screamed in agony!

ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO FEEL THE TOUCH OF A WOMAN! Said tachanka! Tachanka, in outrage violently attacked clash and eventually killed her. This tachanka was then sued by the wild clash tribe and was sentenced to death by clash shield. This served as a reminder to all tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley as to why they fuck turrets instead of people.


	3. tachankas go to war a couple times

5 years after the events of chapter 2

It was a cloudy day in tachanka valley, the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were practicing their aim while simultaneously fucking their turrets. (about 3 years ago the blitz federation of turret rights was stormed by the council of russians and destroyed.) but then something terrible happened.

THE NOMADS INVADED TACHANKA VALLEY! THEY HUFFED AND PUFFED AND ALL THE TACHANKA TURRETS WERE KNOCKED DOWN! BUT IT GETS WORSE!

THE TACHANKAS IN TACHANKA VALLEY WHO WERE NOT TACHANKAS BUT RATHER TACHANKAS IN TACHANKA VALLEY WHICH IS DIFFERENT FROM TACHANKAS IN NOT TACHANKA VALLEYS DICKS WERE STILL IN THE TURRETS! AND BECAUSE OF THAT,

ALL OF THE DICKS CARRIED THEM ALONG WITH THE TURRETS AND EVENTUALLY FELL OFF UNDER THE PRESSURE AS THE POWERFUL GUST OF WIND BLEW THE TURRETS AWAY! BUT THEN THE GLAZ ARMY FROM THE SNOWY MOUNTAIN CAME DOWN AND KILLED ALL THE NOMADS!

The tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were so happy that after the battle that would soon be known as the treacherous nomad invasion of June 15, 1920, they decided to help out in the war the glaz army was currently having with the rook fashion design chain. To be continued on the next episode of, TACHANKAS IN TACHANKA VALLEY!1


	4. tachanka steals t-shirts

It was a snowy day in tachanka valley, the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were being buried under an avalanche as they fought in the harrowing glazalayas, shooting rook after rook as their hands began to freeze over. However one tachanka had a dream. This tachanka was very ambitious and was trying to infiltrate the rook fashion design chain to steal their fashionable t-shirts. As he watched the mountains, watching his comrades fight for the glaz army and themselves, he knew this was his opportunity. However he knew he had to be cautious. Just yesterday 3 tachankas had fallen to the snow storm ripping through the glazalayas! It was even suggested that the snow storm may come to ravage tachanka valley too! Tachanka knows what would happen if this were to occur. For this tachankas fought, and for this tachanka, it would change his life.

As the tachanka made his way through the glazalayas, he never looked back. It had been 3 months since the war started. It was now September 15, 1920. He had to end the war as soon as possible!

And so the tachanka ran. He ran until his legs broke under the harsh conditions of the glazalayas. But it was ok, because he had made it to the rook fashion design chain. Now all he had to do was wait...

1 day later

It was a snowy day in tachanka valley, the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were still fighting their battle, as well as the one tachanka fighting a different one. Tachanka woke up, he checked his watch, it was time to attack. It is a little known fact that rooks sleep in very late, but one that tachanka knew. He had once had a friend who was a rook. After the war started tachanka hasn't seen him, but knows if he ever does, they will be fighting on different sides. Tachanka eats his pierogi as he rappels up the rook fashion design chain base. As he makes it up to the top and prepares himself to break the hatch, he hears a sound in the distance, it was an impact grenade! Tachanka using his epic reflexes quickly jumped out of the way as the impact grenade explodes, taking the hatch down with it unintentionally. Tachanka takes this escape route while thanking his lord the almighty Tachanka for this divine series of events. Inside he sees rooks all around him. They are not awake yet, tachanka thought. It was his time to take the armor! Without the armor the rook fashion design chain loses morale and slowly die out due to the combination of unfashionableness and pure despair. He runs into the storage room. This is where they keep their legendary t-shirts. Tachanka slowly walks towards the t-shirts. However as soon as he tries to take them, he hears the sound of another impact grenade! Knowing that the t-shirts would be destroyed, tachanka takes the impact grenade to the back and retreats with them, but he is shot at by our mysterious rook. Tachanka turns around to attempt to counter fire but freezes when he sees the face of his friend staring back at him. In this moment tachanka knew what he had to do. He takes his turret out while avoiding rooks bullets like a true gamer, and then shoots him in the head with one bullet. However, the rooks have woken up, and they don't seem too happy.

To be continued on the next episode of, TACHANKAS IN TACHANKA VALLEY!11!11!1


	5. tachanka unleashes the molten core

It was a icy day in tachanka valley, the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were not there because they were fighting a war in the glazalayas. However one tachanka was not with the rest, he was roaming through the rook fashion design chain. Last episode he braved frostbite and starvation, broke his legs and all that other shit

anyway tachanka was in the rook fashion design chain perfectly fine despite breaking his leg the other day, when he killed his friend with one bullet like any young gamer would. Now the rooks have woken up, and they are hungry. Tachanka shot rook after rook but they just kept coming! It was like they had a doc or something! Suddenly tachanka got out of his turret and looked around more than 2 degrees in each direction. THERE! THE TREACHEROUS DOCS HAVE REINFORCED THE ROOK ARMY WITH EPIC STIM PISTOLS! Tachanka boils in rage as he uses his ultimate and unleashes the molten core. No one survived after that, how could they after all? Tachanka looked around at the dead rooks and docs as he finishes unleashing the molten core. He starts to pack up his turret when he hears something...

IT WAS HIS FRIEND! He had lived the shot to the head as rooks sometimes do and in revenge throws an impact grenade taking the entire base and both of them down. (It was a very powerful impact grenade) as the base collapsed and glaz and tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley slowly suppressed the main forces, Tachanka curses the rook fashion design chain and his friend with all his might and writes something in bullets before he falls. The tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley had won the war! They annexed the rook fashion design chain as there were none left and the docs retreated back to their own territory. The glaz army, weakened, asked to become a vassal under the great country of Tachanka Valley. We may have lost some tachankas in this war, but we have not only gained the rook fashion design chain and their tshirts, but also the glaz army too! This is just the first step in the grand plan to conquer all of the world, and unite it under the great country of Tachanka Valley! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

More wars are coming in the next episode of, TACHANKA VALLEY!1!1!


	6. tachankas take back the holy land

It was a wintry day in tachanka valley, the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were celebrating in the church after the won war against the rook fashion design chain. But suddenly, something terrible happened! A diplomat ran in and disrupted the party! Thinking quickly, one tachanka rescued the diplomat from a painful death by firing squad and asked him to explain why he disrupted the party. The diplomat explained: THE HERETICAL FINKA SASG DISTRIBUTION CENTER HAS TAKEN THE HOLY LAND, ST PETERSBURG!1!111!1 THIS IS SO UNEPIC! ! 321 

All the tachankas were outraged. It had been a single day after the surrender of the rook fashion design chain and now the finkas take the holy land! It was unthinkable. The tachankas quickly notified their vassal the glaz army and told them to get their armor here and that they know their scared but saddle up anyway. In mere hours the great tachanka army with their vassal were ready to fight and take back the holy land. During the turret ride, some tachankas had to think. How could the finka sasg distribution center take the holy land so quickly without informing anyone? Surely at least the fuze hostage killing association and glaz army wouldve noticed this, right?

After arriving at the holy land they were shortly ambushed by finkas. They were easily taken down as the overwhelming amount of tachankas and glazes was just too much for the finkas to overcome. But as they were rappelling up a building in st petersburg, they heard a very distinct sound. The trained soldiers of the tachanka valley and glaz army quickly realized what was happening as many of them first heard this sound during the 1917 war between the blitz federation of turret rights and the russian council. Many of the tachankas and glazes rappelling fell to this devious backstab by the fuze hostage killing association, the captains of both forces being among them. With their forces depleted from the combined forces of the finkas and fuzes, the tachankas and glazes were about to retreat, but then something miraculous happened.

It was the kapkan swamp monsters from kapkan swamp!1 !12! They had come with their newest invention created after a collaboration between the fuzes and the kapkans in an effort to create long ranged kapkan traps and fuze mines. While this was successful for both of them and very helpful for the fuzes during the backstab, the tachankas would bet that the fuzes regretted helping the kapkans back then. The tachankas, glazes, and kapkans charged back in with never before seen morale and took back the holy land. Before the holy land was ungoverned by any russian as respect to the one true tachanka, god tachanka himself. But now all loyal followers of tachankaism would agree that after the treacherous betrayal of the fuzes and the finkas that the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley definitely deserved to take the holy land after showing immense devotion to the religion. On the other hand, those absolutely sacrilegious fake tachankaism followers the fuze hostage killing association and the finka sasg distribution center were soon after conquered by the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley after the end of a short coalition war with the tachankas and kapkans against the finkas and fuzes.

Truly, this snowballing of territory must be a sign that lord tachanka favors them out of all the tachankaist civilizations.

If you are excited to see the next episode of the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley eating all of his neighboring civilizations, stay tuned for the next upload in 5 months.


	7. tachankas beat up the elderly

It was a windy day in tachanka valley, the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were wading through the kapkan swamp as they finished conquering the kapkan swamp monsters. They had taken a lot of damage but luckily they had the docs stim pistols to back them up. But suddenly, as they were slowly drowning, the mobile kaid retirement home had attacked! They threw electroclaws into the swamp, but it didn't matter because the swamp was so lacking in liquid of any sort that nothing happened! With their surprise attack failed, the kaids hobbled back as fast as they could, throwing dentures at the enemy as they ran. But luckily the glaz army had arrived with their thermal scopes on their sasgs! They attempted to get up close to the frighteningly quick retirees but the world punished them for attempting to become a close range fighter and nerfed them so hard they were teleported into the swamp and drowned. This would later be known as the famous glaz eradication of september 19th, 1920. Not a single glaz has ever been created again since this fateful day. Modern tachanka scholars theorized that He was not very fond of the glaz, and such they have been punished by not existing.

Soon enough after escaping the swamp, the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley had reached nomad territory. They wondered why the kaids were allowed to run into nomad territory, but then they soon realized that when you kill every single member of a civilization it ceases to exist. It turns out while the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley were conquering most of their neighbors, the kaids had taken their chances and barely managed to become victorious against the desolate lands of the nomad territory. The kaids had retreated into the houses and acquired their canes. They were prepared for battle. Unfortunately for the kaids they had not yet realized it wasn't 1200 BC anymore and canes were not going to do much against the mighty turrets of the tachankas. As a last resort the kaids jumped towards the tachanka turrets and nearly managed to cough blood out onto the tachanka turrets before succumbing to heart disease.

The tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different from tachankas in not tachanka valley had conquered the kapkan swamp monsters, the kaids, and what was left of the nomad territory. Truly a fruitful day for our chosen soldiers.


	8. tachankas do very little for 500 words 1

It was a thundery day in tachanka valley, the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different than tachankas in not tachanka valley were being thundered upon. This was not natural thunder as the clashes had raided a finka sasg distribution center and pumped themselves full of adrenal surge, which had enhanced their clash shield powers enough to create thunderbolts that they were currently using to attack the tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different than tachankas in not tachanka valley. How outrageous of the clashes to attack tachanka valley during their outdoor barbecue! ! 1! Inhumane. The tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different than tachankas in not valley felt this was utterly sacrilegious. They were so angry they decided to massacre the clashes while fucking their turrets in utter rage. The clashes stood no chance. They were decimated in an instant. Such is the power of tachankas in tachanka valley who were not tachankas but rather tachankas in tachanka valley which is different than tachankas in not tachanka valley.

This raised a minor issue however. The blitz federation of turret rights states they will prosecute anyone who destroys their turret via rape. The tachankas are typically very careful about avoiding such things as they previously were not powerful enough to go toe to toe with the blitz federation of turret rights due to their numerous alliances necessary for them to enforce turret rights upon other countries such as tachanka valley, or the maestro horse stable. This is the first time such a thing has happened, only because of the sheer rage the clashes caused the tachankas by disturbing their barbecue. The tachankas realized once the blitz federation was informed of this, it would mean war. They knew they were scared but they had to saddle up anyway. They immediately prepared a counter attack. The reason they couldn't attack while the blitz federation didn't know is not only because then it would seem that we were the instigators, but also because every tachanka worth his turret knows that they should lure in the blitz federation off the mountains they called home in order to bring them into the open plains of tachanka valley where the tachankas could use positions of cover to attack the blitzes with nowhere to hide. And so the tachankas waited. It took longer than they expected but every tachanka understood why when they saw the army approaching.

I understand cliffhangers arent a good strategy when not a single human reading this will actually wait for the next chapter to arrive but i got tired of writing so if anyone actually reads this you will probably be waiting another couple months for part 2 of this saga but thats fine because thats the spirit of tachankas in tachanka valley anyway isnt it so great i love my wife dont you agree i dont have one actually but i can always hope please help i need a job and a wife so badly


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